Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Letting People In

The vast majority of posts thus far have been about lessons we have learned in the past or formidable events in our relationship. Today I realized that we are in the midst of a situation and as such it would be therapeutic and enlightening to blog about my natural tendencies and the thing I should do. The two things conflict in huge ways.

Right now I am in a very stressful chapter in life. Some of it I can't go into publicly right now. It's not that I want to hide anything, but I am legally prohibited from discussing certain aspects of my professional life for now. I assure you that I will disclose the specifics as I can. For now I can only say that nobody in the practice is in legal trouble or anything like that. The main point is that this particular storm alone could completely consume me if I would allow it to do so. Every day is complicated by this issue and even the routine and relatively simple aspects of life are emotionally and even spiritually cumbersome right now. Endless meetings, stressful discussions and the aspects of the unknown are weighing on me more than I probably even know.
Hmmm...Is this going to be about stress relief?  

My natural inclination is to put my head down and work relentlessly, accomplish tasks and achieve excellence (to the utmost of my ability) but to do so without allowing another soul to know about my struggles.   In fact, writing this post about it is against every fiber of my natural being. In other stressful times I have become a loner and done my best to avoid including anyone else. I veiled my attempts by claiming to protect Brook from the details and related stress. I thought, falsely, that in keeping others at a safe distance I was insuring their safety. As much as it has never seemed obvious to me and as much as I hate it, the fact may be that I attempt to lessen the weight in life by discarding everyone and everything I can in an attempt to make survival easier. Is it possible that I choose accomplishment over relationship? Yep!
That's so weird how people act differently under pressure.  See, I would totally melt down and have a week long panic attack, and everyone would come visit me in the mental hospital.  Blake's "work" method is so much better.  I basically become useless.  Of course, I can't let anyone in either not because I'm not trying, but because my mind just goes blank.  I can't even let myself in. 

The truth about relationships, in so far as I can tell anyway, is that they assure that one doesn't have to travel through this world alone. In attempting to "protect" Brook, I am actually robbing the relationship of an opportunity to grow and develop depth. If our previous experiences hold true in this situation, Brook wants to be "burdened" by my thoughts, troubles and concerns. That's what relationships are apparently all about.   The not knowing can make things a little scary. And I can be trusted with national security secrets so I can for sure be silent when it helps me accomplish a task or survive a stressful time in life.

So as this chapter in life continues for the next 3-4 weeks it will be my goal to stay connected to Brook and the boys, if nobody else. I think doing that will broaden our relational horizons and will provide an example for the boys to experience so that one day they will connect to others in times of trouble rather than shut down relationally. I'll let you know how it goes....which will indicate a level of connection and that's always a good thing.

Thanks babe.