I found this and really like it.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Peter and Jesus, My Good Friday Story
I wrote this a few years ago as I was reflecting about my life as one who betrays my relationship with Jesus daily and how my story is not unlike that of Peter. As I seek to try again daily, I thought about the defeat and pain Peter must have felt as he considered his denial of Christ. How often do we all become the very thing we despise and do the very thing we swore we would never do? Here's to a joyous Good Friday...because Jesus has insured that our failures are never final.
My eyes are wide open…moist, red, swollen and weary, but wide open. The first piercing sliver of light arrives, announcing the morning, as it meets my focused gaze. As the rays penetrate the heavy slate blanket of morning fog, life begins anew for God’s creation. As the new morning springs forth, I remain constant…not constant in a state of life, but constant in a perpetual and continual death.
Oh that my broken heart would grow numb…that the shattered pieces would bring purpose or just resonate within a calling. That a spark may be found deep within me, that a cold zeal could blaze again, it could be reworked, revived, renewed. And yet…nothing. I am as cold as the stone on which I sit. I am as still as the stagnant night air. I am as dead as Lazarus.
My bowels are the bowels of Judas. Sitting in the midst of his spilling is my reminder. Apparently I need a reminder, a constant one, one that will never allow me to deny him again. As the sun rises, the stench of his rotting corpse will again infiltrate and saturate my nostrils. As the heat grows more and more intense, the opportunistic, ravenous birds will reappear and the parasitic creatures will again morph before my eyes, grow wings and leave the disaster that has been their daily bread.
My wife and friends beg me to leave this place. They stopped coming as the skies became a floating shadow of flies. Now they stand only at a distance, begging with their eyes, their number growing smaller by the day. Yet I sit here, unmoved, unwavering, unforgiving. I sit here a coward. At least Judas tossed his prize of betrayal back at his personal vipers. At least Judas had the realization of his sin, of his brokenness-and he did in the physical what was already true in the spiritual realm. But not me. I live in the physical, a façade, an inauthentic replica of my rottenness. And how do I return my silver; at whom do I heave it? My silver is less tangible, not less deadly, just less sensate. How do I return dignity, to whom do I hand honor and what will one exchange for friendship…how about the betrayal of friendship? I can throw it all at myself…I can be angry at myself. I wasn’t tricked, I wasn’t controlled…it is just who I am.
When the meat to feed the scavengers is gone and only dry bones remain, who will have me? Will my children desire a dad who fails the King in the heat of battle? Will my wife wish for a husband to return from a 3 year retreat-return after denying the very person for whom she suffered loneliness and an empty bed for the last 3 years? Who will be my brother? Who will trust me with even a little? It is laughable to think of ever walking in the light of honor, trust, love or respect. That will be my price; my contrition will come from suffering a private desolation-ironically that is so fitting since just hours ago I sentenced my Lord to an emotional wilderness with 3 statements. He died alone. I secured that sentence for him and now I will live out the sentence for him…prisoner by proxy. My life would be better contributed if my entrails also exploded over the jagged edges of the rock beneath my feet. I would best be used as another dinner for the scavengers, another host for the maggots.
But a voice in the distance cried out to me. It is Mary and she is running toward me. She will halt once the foul odor sickens her, for who will possibly come into the darkness to bring one into the light? As she gets closer it becomes obvious that she isn’t offended by the horrific scene. My spiritual stench isn’t offensive to her, she continues running. Her moist eyes, being dried by the wind, speak volumes of hope, acceptance and love. Her eyes remind me of the eyes of Jesus. The eyes who burned white…the eyes that burned through my eyes, directly into my heart on the black evening of his capture, of my betrayal. For the first time I stood, anxiously awaiting her words, her message. “The tomb is empty”. I must have misunderstood, as my eyes questioned her words, she paused enough to slow the heaving of her chest and she clearly exclaimed that Jesus was no longer in the tomb. The stone was rolled away and he has risen. Surely thieves stole the body, I questioned. Then she said her information wasn’t from man, but from God…from an angel of the Lord, here to proclaim now and forever that He is risen. I asked her to tell me every word the angel spoke and she then spoke the words that salved my wounds, the words that instantly returned the inferno deep within the fabric of my very being. “Go tell the disciples AND PETER…” I didn’t listen to the rest of it too well. The Angel of the Lord said, “and Peter”…I am included, I am not cast out and I am not forever lost, eternally unclean. In His rising, I too can rise. In His life, I too can live. Through His stripes, I am healed. The stone has rolled back in place, only this time entombing death, shame and sin. Death, where is your sting? Sin, where are the shackles used by you for too long? You are removed, unlocked with a key, held by the pierced hands of the One who was, who is and who is to come.
I will not fall in this way again. I will go to my own death on a cross before I allow Him to be symbolically sent there again. My lips will not deny. My life will not deny. I will repay His death with my life and His new life with my death. When again will I embrace my Brother, my Friend, my Lord? It will be soon…and then forever more.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thinking, Feeling and Knowing The Difference
Let me set the stage for you. Brook and I were engaged and sitting in our pre-marital counselor's office discussing conflict resolution, the most common reasons for divorce and other such things to prepare us for marriage.
As part of our conflict resolution discussion he presented scenarios in which one of us may disagree completely with the other and how we would handle an impasse in important situations. So in one of the scenarios the counselor asks, "Blake, how do you feel about Brook doing something that completely goes against your wishes"?
I replied, "Well, I think I wouldn't like it, but I suppose that I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do". For some insight here, I was certain that I had answered well and would likely be praised by him for such a great answer.
As if heading in a new direction with a new scenario, he calmly asked, "Blake, how do you feel about Brook doing something that completely goes against your wishes"?
I wasn't sure if he was testing my consistency or if he was slipping a little bit at the end of a busy day. In either case I figured it best if I went along with his question so for a second time I said, "Well, I think I wouldn't like it, but I suppose that I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do". He nodded with approval. I had obviously passed the test...I thought.
In the same tone and with no more urgency than before he asked, "Blake, how do you feel about Brook doing something that completely goes against your wishes?" I knew he wasn't testing my consistency this time and I didn't think he was slipping but I was having a bit of an internal conflict. I am pretty perceptive and I am the most introspective person I know. How could I NOT be getting the point he was trying to make?
This time I didn't bother answering the same as I had before. I looked at Brook for some sign of her thoughts about it and she returned a lost look. It was obvious that she was no more aware of his intent than was I. So being out of options I could only shoot straight with him and challenge him. I said, in a somewhat defiant manner, "Look, you have asked me the same question three times and I have given you the same answer. I don't know what you are looking for but maybe its time to let us in on your game".
He sat forward in his chair and paused. I knew something was coming and I had a feeling that it would be life changing. I was right. He said, "Son, I have asked you three times how you feel about something and you have told me only what you think about something. Now why do you suppose you only tell me what you think when I have explicitly asked about your feelings?" My silence was deafening and it must have been obvious how convicted I was. I had always thought myself to be decent at conversations and a pretty good listener, but I had completely blown off his "feeling" question. How could I have missed that or was it more than just missing it?
Since I obviously was reeling from this revelation and didn't answer him he continued with another question that I didn't like. "Can you name several emotions you have felt today?" I searched inside myself and was doing an honest assessment. The truth was that I couldn't identify a single emotion that I had felt that day. My blank expression told the story so he broadened the parameters for me. "Well, can you tell me some emotions, just name any that you ever feel or have felt in the past". His pointed questions had morphed into more understanding and he seemed to be trying to find an escape hatch for me. I didn't have to search myself or even divulge any personal information. All I had to do was simply name some emotions. I am a bit embarrassed by the five emotions I could name without too much thought...that's right, FIVE!
The five emotions I could identify without further prompting were, "HAPPY, MAD, HUNGRY, HORNY and PISSED OFF". He briefly challenged my separate labeling of "mad" and "pissed off" as being the same emotion. I rebutted by letting him know that they are different in my mind. "If I'm mad you may or may not know it, but if I'm pissed off there will be no doubt". He reluctantly let my differentiation stand...probably just so we could move forward with the meat of his lesson, but I felt as though I had won a small victory. He then pointed out that "hungry" and "horny" weren't really emotions. I informed him that people can certainly get emotional about those subjects but at the end of the discussion I had to relent and admit that maybe I should have named other emotions well before including my appetite, be it for sex or food.
So I had really only named 2 emotions and let's be honest; my kids could name more descriptive emotions than what amounted to happy and angry. I knew other emotions existed, but I had no clue why they wouldn't come to my mind. Why was I having a hard time thinking about the other ones and....WAIT!!! What the hell?!?!?! Was I really THINKING about EMOTIONS and wondering why my HEAD failed to intervene for my HEART? That's exactly what I was doing and the counselor knew it.
He then asked the question I most feared. "Blake, why don't you feel?" I wasn't really sure at first but I knew I could suddenly label a new emotion for me...FEAR. I also knew instantly that I didn't like this new feeling. It seemed weird and foreign. We talked through my family of origin and how emotions weren't really a part of every day life. You did what you did because it was right and when you didn't do the right thing there were consequences...all very black and white. We then moved to my time in the Army and how my ability to achieve and perform well in the military was likely a product of my ability to think, react and function void of emotions.
Now for the kicker...GOD! He inquired about my belief in God and wondered if I saw God as an emotional God. I knew the Sunday School answer was that He is indeed an emotional God. I also knew that I didn't believe that He was at all emotional. At least my internal reflections of God as I understood Him had nothing to do with emotions and everything to do with living life within boundaries, observing a code of ethics and conduct, retribution for transgressions and finally a reluctant forgiveness of our sins...but that He was probably good and pissed off (I knew that emotion well) about it.
So why didn't I feel? We returned to that question and I finally answered with the most get-level honesty I had answered anything in our sessions. "I don't feel a thing, ever, because feeling isn't safe. With feelings come vulnerability and vulnerable people are weak people. Weak people get trampled in this cruel world in which we live and I be damned if I am going to be vulnerable, weak or trampled." I had decided long before that day to never allow myself to be wounded by another person and thus far it had worked pretty well. The counselor even said as much. Unfortunately, he said more than that too.
"You see, son, if you won't allow yourself to feel, to be vulnerable or to even be hurt another person, one day this pretty lady right here will leave you and you will know that it's because you never let her in. And what about your kids?" "What about them?" I replied. "Well, what will it be like one day when your kids don't talk to you, don't trust you and never seek a relationship with you? How well will you have insulated yourself from hurt then?" I knew what he meant and though most of my life to that point had been about taking chances, pushing the limits and often times crossing boundaries, I knew that to obtain the things in life I most wanted...to be a great husband and father...I was going to have to take the first huge emotional chance of my life.
So I began a quest that day. I think I have become better at feeling and even discussing my feelings. So much so that with my intentionality I can really piss Brook off...which in my mind is still an emotion. I now over analyze emotions...mine and other people's...but it is just because it is still all so new and foreign to me and because I never want to forget to feel again. I have found that the pain from deep and honest relationships is the most amazingly intense level of pain one can feel. I have also found though that without occasionally feeling the searing pain, or at least being open to feel it, it is impossible to ever taste the sweetness of real intimacy. Though I may have denied this fact in the midst of the most painful storms, the relationship Brook and I have is more than worth the pain and frustration we introduce in the lives of each other.
In addition to relational intimacy within my family another lesson was learned that day...and I'm continuing to learn it daily. In so many ways the gospel of Jesus became more real to me since that day. The fact that God would become flesh (John 1), enter into a relationship with an adulterous people (James 4) and suffer shame and even death (Philippians 2) never makes sense in the absence of love and relationship. In being open and vulnerable to others we not only make intimacy and relationship possible with those around us, but we also imitate Christ and in so doing bring glory to our God.
Therefore be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live in love, just as Christ also loved us and gave himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. (Ephesians 5)
I love that story. Really. Wouldn't change a thing.
It has been beautiful to watch such amazing transformation in Blake. It reminds me what a gift marriage can be. I forget a lot of good stuff like that, so it is good to be reminded. Blake has gone from one of the most black and white people on the face of the earth, thinking about everything and talking my ear off those first few dates about my stance on this or that perspective, blah blah blah...to snug as a bug in a rug as a tried and true 'feeling' personality. I cry a lot. A lot. A lot. I'm pretty much a giant infant: movies, songs, church services, commercials, any deep conversation (especially with my children), adrenaline, whatever; I cry happy tears, sad tears, mad tears (not very often), frustrated tears, more happy tears (I love the happy tears)...I just cry. The most tender thing, that I notice more and more every year, is that less and less I am crying alone. Blake is right there beside me (this weekend we just happened to be watching American Idol...Jacob singing Bridge Over Troubled Water) with a little sniffle too.
He has worked hard to undo some hurt, to open up where he learned never to, to stop...and feel. It may have taken a month of Sundays (or ten years worth), but his biggest desires for intimacy with his family, he has achieved. Let me stop there and say once more just in case you can't tell so far how big this is...
I almost never use definitives. I almost always leave room for improvement or say that something is in the works, but never has anyone "arrived" at anything. Ladies and gentlemen, make no mistake. Blake Thompson is AN. EMOTIONAL. GUY. And, it is beautiful.
So, what next, babe? What do you do when you look around and realize all your dreams have come true? Uh, I think you go build a chicken coop. Just sayin.
As part of our conflict resolution discussion he presented scenarios in which one of us may disagree completely with the other and how we would handle an impasse in important situations. So in one of the scenarios the counselor asks, "Blake, how do you feel about Brook doing something that completely goes against your wishes"?
I replied, "Well, I think I wouldn't like it, but I suppose that I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do". For some insight here, I was certain that I had answered well and would likely be praised by him for such a great answer.
As if heading in a new direction with a new scenario, he calmly asked, "Blake, how do you feel about Brook doing something that completely goes against your wishes"?
I wasn't sure if he was testing my consistency or if he was slipping a little bit at the end of a busy day. In either case I figured it best if I went along with his question so for a second time I said, "Well, I think I wouldn't like it, but I suppose that I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do". He nodded with approval. I had obviously passed the test...I thought.
In the same tone and with no more urgency than before he asked, "Blake, how do you feel about Brook doing something that completely goes against your wishes?" I knew he wasn't testing my consistency this time and I didn't think he was slipping but I was having a bit of an internal conflict. I am pretty perceptive and I am the most introspective person I know. How could I NOT be getting the point he was trying to make?
This time I didn't bother answering the same as I had before. I looked at Brook for some sign of her thoughts about it and she returned a lost look. It was obvious that she was no more aware of his intent than was I. So being out of options I could only shoot straight with him and challenge him. I said, in a somewhat defiant manner, "Look, you have asked me the same question three times and I have given you the same answer. I don't know what you are looking for but maybe its time to let us in on your game".
He sat forward in his chair and paused. I knew something was coming and I had a feeling that it would be life changing. I was right. He said, "Son, I have asked you three times how you feel about something and you have told me only what you think about something. Now why do you suppose you only tell me what you think when I have explicitly asked about your feelings?" My silence was deafening and it must have been obvious how convicted I was. I had always thought myself to be decent at conversations and a pretty good listener, but I had completely blown off his "feeling" question. How could I have missed that or was it more than just missing it?
Since I obviously was reeling from this revelation and didn't answer him he continued with another question that I didn't like. "Can you name several emotions you have felt today?" I searched inside myself and was doing an honest assessment. The truth was that I couldn't identify a single emotion that I had felt that day. My blank expression told the story so he broadened the parameters for me. "Well, can you tell me some emotions, just name any that you ever feel or have felt in the past". His pointed questions had morphed into more understanding and he seemed to be trying to find an escape hatch for me. I didn't have to search myself or even divulge any personal information. All I had to do was simply name some emotions. I am a bit embarrassed by the five emotions I could name without too much thought...that's right, FIVE!
The five emotions I could identify without further prompting were, "HAPPY, MAD, HUNGRY, HORNY and PISSED OFF". He briefly challenged my separate labeling of "mad" and "pissed off" as being the same emotion. I rebutted by letting him know that they are different in my mind. "If I'm mad you may or may not know it, but if I'm pissed off there will be no doubt". He reluctantly let my differentiation stand...probably just so we could move forward with the meat of his lesson, but I felt as though I had won a small victory. He then pointed out that "hungry" and "horny" weren't really emotions. I informed him that people can certainly get emotional about those subjects but at the end of the discussion I had to relent and admit that maybe I should have named other emotions well before including my appetite, be it for sex or food.
So I had really only named 2 emotions and let's be honest; my kids could name more descriptive emotions than what amounted to happy and angry. I knew other emotions existed, but I had no clue why they wouldn't come to my mind. Why was I having a hard time thinking about the other ones and....WAIT!!! What the hell?!?!?! Was I really THINKING about EMOTIONS and wondering why my HEAD failed to intervene for my HEART? That's exactly what I was doing and the counselor knew it.
He then asked the question I most feared. "Blake, why don't you feel?" I wasn't really sure at first but I knew I could suddenly label a new emotion for me...FEAR. I also knew instantly that I didn't like this new feeling. It seemed weird and foreign. We talked through my family of origin and how emotions weren't really a part of every day life. You did what you did because it was right and when you didn't do the right thing there were consequences...all very black and white. We then moved to my time in the Army and how my ability to achieve and perform well in the military was likely a product of my ability to think, react and function void of emotions.
Now for the kicker...GOD! He inquired about my belief in God and wondered if I saw God as an emotional God. I knew the Sunday School answer was that He is indeed an emotional God. I also knew that I didn't believe that He was at all emotional. At least my internal reflections of God as I understood Him had nothing to do with emotions and everything to do with living life within boundaries, observing a code of ethics and conduct, retribution for transgressions and finally a reluctant forgiveness of our sins...but that He was probably good and pissed off (I knew that emotion well) about it.
So why didn't I feel? We returned to that question and I finally answered with the most get-level honesty I had answered anything in our sessions. "I don't feel a thing, ever, because feeling isn't safe. With feelings come vulnerability and vulnerable people are weak people. Weak people get trampled in this cruel world in which we live and I be damned if I am going to be vulnerable, weak or trampled." I had decided long before that day to never allow myself to be wounded by another person and thus far it had worked pretty well. The counselor even said as much. Unfortunately, he said more than that too.
"You see, son, if you won't allow yourself to feel, to be vulnerable or to even be hurt another person, one day this pretty lady right here will leave you and you will know that it's because you never let her in. And what about your kids?" "What about them?" I replied. "Well, what will it be like one day when your kids don't talk to you, don't trust you and never seek a relationship with you? How well will you have insulated yourself from hurt then?" I knew what he meant and though most of my life to that point had been about taking chances, pushing the limits and often times crossing boundaries, I knew that to obtain the things in life I most wanted...to be a great husband and father...I was going to have to take the first huge emotional chance of my life.
So I began a quest that day. I think I have become better at feeling and even discussing my feelings. So much so that with my intentionality I can really piss Brook off...which in my mind is still an emotion. I now over analyze emotions...mine and other people's...but it is just because it is still all so new and foreign to me and because I never want to forget to feel again. I have found that the pain from deep and honest relationships is the most amazingly intense level of pain one can feel. I have also found though that without occasionally feeling the searing pain, or at least being open to feel it, it is impossible to ever taste the sweetness of real intimacy. Though I may have denied this fact in the midst of the most painful storms, the relationship Brook and I have is more than worth the pain and frustration we introduce in the lives of each other.
In addition to relational intimacy within my family another lesson was learned that day...and I'm continuing to learn it daily. In so many ways the gospel of Jesus became more real to me since that day. The fact that God would become flesh (John 1), enter into a relationship with an adulterous people (James 4) and suffer shame and even death (Philippians 2) never makes sense in the absence of love and relationship. In being open and vulnerable to others we not only make intimacy and relationship possible with those around us, but we also imitate Christ and in so doing bring glory to our God.
Therefore be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live in love, just as Christ also loved us and gave himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. (Ephesians 5)
I love that story. Really. Wouldn't change a thing.
It has been beautiful to watch such amazing transformation in Blake. It reminds me what a gift marriage can be. I forget a lot of good stuff like that, so it is good to be reminded. Blake has gone from one of the most black and white people on the face of the earth, thinking about everything and talking my ear off those first few dates about my stance on this or that perspective, blah blah blah...to snug as a bug in a rug as a tried and true 'feeling' personality. I cry a lot. A lot. A lot. I'm pretty much a giant infant: movies, songs, church services, commercials, any deep conversation (especially with my children), adrenaline, whatever; I cry happy tears, sad tears, mad tears (not very often), frustrated tears, more happy tears (I love the happy tears)...I just cry. The most tender thing, that I notice more and more every year, is that less and less I am crying alone. Blake is right there beside me (this weekend we just happened to be watching American Idol...Jacob singing Bridge Over Troubled Water) with a little sniffle too.
He has worked hard to undo some hurt, to open up where he learned never to, to stop...and feel. It may have taken a month of Sundays (or ten years worth), but his biggest desires for intimacy with his family, he has achieved. Let me stop there and say once more just in case you can't tell so far how big this is...
I almost never use definitives. I almost always leave room for improvement or say that something is in the works, but never has anyone "arrived" at anything. Ladies and gentlemen, make no mistake. Blake Thompson is AN. EMOTIONAL. GUY. And, it is beautiful.
So, what next, babe? What do you do when you look around and realize all your dreams have come true? Uh, I think you go build a chicken coop. Just sayin.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Part 3: Sex Education for kids and A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids About Sex
Ok, so part 1 was about the presexualization of kids. That lead right into part 2 and the need for us to be educated about sexuality, because you can't teach what you don't know. So now part 3: actually initiating the ongoing conversation about human sexuality with our kids. This is intended to be a primer.
I read this book a while back: A Chicken's Guide to How to Talk Turkey with Your Kids about Sex by Dr. Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell. It is a very worthy read. The authors condone open communication with your kids starting from pretty much as soon as they can talk. Whether you are talking about what my boys call the "pee pee tatter" or the fact that Mommy is having a period, (For dads the periods are self evident. The kids will figure out soon enough that hormones lead to verbs of all kinds like rolling, jumping and throwing...rolling of eyes, jumping to conclusions and throwing fits...but I digress) it's important to be age appropriate and open. Most importantly, it's important to watch your reactions! {Get off my toes, docs!} The way you react to anything and everything with your kids, directly affects they level to which they will come to you to talk about things. Here's what else I learned:
*At age 8-9, your kids are likely to be thinking about sex.
*At age 10-11, they will be talking about sex
*By age 12-13, without your guidance, they are likely to be having sex.
Ugh! Not my sweet babies, right? That's what our parents said too.
Well, let me think. How old was I when I was first exposed to sex talk at school? At school, I didnt hear anything about sex until 3rd grade. Away from school I was exposed at about 6. I am thinking definitely by the 4th grade people were talking about it, although, I can now admit, I didn't know half of what they were talking about. By the 6th grade (that's 11 and 12 people), kids were talking about it openly, and some were for sure even doing it. I wonder how many were actually doing it versus claiming they were? I, myself, was panting (with a handful of my other girl friends who were not about to turn to each other, thank God) for my first real kiss from a boy, which came second semester that year. My first kiss came in 4th grade (age 9, almost 10) from a friend of my brother's that happened to be 15...at the time it seemed weird but now it seems beyond weird. Why would a 15 year old girl kiss, like really kiss, a 9 year old?
So, why does any of that matter? Only to prove this point: I was thinking about sex early, why would I think my kids wouldn't be? And how can I help them not make the same mistakes?
Our friends Tal Prince and Traylor Lovvorn with the ministry Route1520 must be credited with what not to do:
I had quite another experience with being taught about sex. I "learned" from magazines before anything else as stated above. Having a very open father (in terms of discussing sexuality with me) and a mom that was relatively open, a graphic-alcoholic and probable sex addict, step-father, a brother 7 years older than me that had friends and fraternity brothers 7-11 years older than me, not to mention some of the girls they all spent time with that thought I was "cute enough to eat" (among other things) and of course the "wise" and "omniscient friends" at school was enough to receive a Ph.D. in dysfunctional, incorrect, immoral and ungodly sexuality. I did not have a lack for "knowledge" or some level of experience, but I was completely void of any semblance of healthy perspectives about sexuality. Some things in life are almost impossible to "re-learn" and I can tell you that sexuality falls into that category.
Recently Brook and I heard a statistic that has improved over the last year since we first heard it. The average age at which an American kid is exposed to pornography is 11. As crazy as that sounds, the figure last year was 8 years old. That says two things to me. 1. Our kids need to be protected and in so many ways you can't be too safe when it comes to the people they are allowed to be around and the access they have to the internet. 2. Well prior to age 11, a discussion better be initiated in the life of your child. The discussion shouldn't be a single talk or something you talk about even yearly or quarterly. In the same way we discuss school work, discipline, integrity, sports, camping and chores, why not discuss sexuality?
So what to discuss? I don't think that you have to make a production out of each discussion about sex any more than you have to break out the special books and diagrams to discuss any other topic that is usually and often discussed. The conversation needs to be age appropriate. For example, I wouldn't discuss the biochemistry involved in an orgasm and ejaculation with my 5 year old. We have been having the conversation with him about boys and girls having different anatomy and the need to respect the ideals of modesty and privacy. He also knows that certain parts of the body of others (male and female) are not to be touched by him as they are special areas. The inverse of that is true regarding someone touching his body. I use our 5 year old just as an example of what we are doing. You may disagree or think we are going too far or maybe not far enough.
To contrast the differences in what is age appropriate, last summer I took our 8 year old on a "survival trip". We had to catch, kill or trap our own food and sleep out in the open...roughing it! I used that trip to step up the conversation a bit and initiated the ideas of husbands and wives participating in an activity that involves their bodies, minds and hearts to express their love for one another, their obedience & worship of God and that this activity even is what leads to pregnancy. He seemed pretty uninterested in the whole conversation at the time. I'm not discouraged or encouraged by his interest level. It is what it is. I do know this though, when he hears someone explain sexuality in terms other than what he has already heard and understands to be true he will at least be skeptical. That's exactly what I want.
Kids pick up information even when we don't tell them something too. I think the ways in which we discuss sex (or the fact that we don't) speaks volumes. If sexuality is always spoken about in whispers the child will have to deduct from that that sex is shameful and isn't something to be openly discussed. If a reaction to a normal behavior is outrageous the child can easily understand their normal and usual behavior as evil and will then think that they are evil. It is difficult for kids to understand that behavior can be bad without making the person bad. If sex isn't openly and responsibly discussed between their mom and dad (or step parents as the case may be) the message can be intuited as an objectification of women or men. If sex is something complained about by the mother of father...well, you get the idea. My point in that is how important it is to incorporate healthy and Godly sexuality into your life, into your discussions and even as openly between you and your spouse as is reasonable and responsible. Will it push your comfort level? Probably. Is it OK to be uncomfortable if you are benefiting your kids in ways that will pay dividends for years to come? Absolutely.
Last but not least, never be afraid to tell your kids that you have been wrong or you have made a mistake. I have often told my Dad that one of the best things he ever taught me is to keep fighting and never give up after a mistake. In this discussion I would say that approaching your kids with information and initiating a discussion when they are a bit older is great. It's better to start late than to never start. If you are a little late to the conversation with your kids don't try to make up by covering up. You will make more of a lasting impression on your kids and be given much more credibility if you let them know that you are late, that you now know a better way to parent and that they should expect a change moving forward. Doing those things will set you up for a great relationship with your child and it will open your child's eyes to your new reality regarding sex.
This will hopefully lead to a lot more conversations about sex stuff and kids. And I hope to hear from you soon. Just one more shameless plugs before I go.
As I said earlier, some of my favorite parental gurus are the one and only Dub and Wendi Hall from right here in B'ham. They are great about openness with their kids. We were blessed to be in their lives during the time of their kids (Brant and Laurel's) teen years. I was always inspired by the confidence those two teens had. They were probably never surprised by locker room or sleep-over talk. They were hearing all that at home from experts who were living out the blessing of a sanctified marriage. Whether Dad was pinching Mom's hiney going down the hall to the bedroom or they were whispering in each other's ear's over coffee in the morning, Laurel and Brant never lacked for a reason to roll their eyes or say 'gag a maggot' to the people they will forever get their own sexual identity from: their parents.
I read this book a while back: A Chicken's Guide to How to Talk Turkey with Your Kids about Sex by Dr. Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell. It is a very worthy read. The authors condone open communication with your kids starting from pretty much as soon as they can talk. Whether you are talking about what my boys call the "pee pee tatter" or the fact that Mommy is having a period, (For dads the periods are self evident. The kids will figure out soon enough that hormones lead to verbs of all kinds like rolling, jumping and throwing...rolling of eyes, jumping to conclusions and throwing fits...but I digress) it's important to be age appropriate and open. Most importantly, it's important to watch your reactions! {Get off my toes, docs!} The way you react to anything and everything with your kids, directly affects they level to which they will come to you to talk about things. Here's what else I learned:
*At age 8-9, your kids are likely to be thinking about sex.
*At age 10-11, they will be talking about sex
*By age 12-13, without your guidance, they are likely to be having sex.
Ugh! Not my sweet babies, right? That's what our parents said too.
Well, let me think. How old was I when I was first exposed to sex talk at school? At school, I didnt hear anything about sex until 3rd grade. Away from school I was exposed at about 6. I am thinking definitely by the 4th grade people were talking about it, although, I can now admit, I didn't know half of what they were talking about. By the 6th grade (that's 11 and 12 people), kids were talking about it openly, and some were for sure even doing it. I wonder how many were actually doing it versus claiming they were? I, myself, was panting (with a handful of my other girl friends who were not about to turn to each other, thank God) for my first real kiss from a boy, which came second semester that year. My first kiss came in 4th grade (age 9, almost 10) from a friend of my brother's that happened to be 15...at the time it seemed weird but now it seems beyond weird. Why would a 15 year old girl kiss, like really kiss, a 9 year old?
So, why does any of that matter? Only to prove this point: I was thinking about sex early, why would I think my kids wouldn't be? And how can I help them not make the same mistakes?
Our friends Tal Prince and Traylor Lovvorn with the ministry Route1520 must be credited with what not to do:
this:
or
this:
According to the books I have read, and personally watching some great parents I know, Mr. Dub and Wendi Hall, who now have kids in college, the only thing to do is talk...............and talk..................and talk...............and talk...............and talk....................and talk.................and talk..................and talk.
I can say that was one thing that I would have changed about my own childhood. Kids need their parents to be a resource for them. To answer all their questions and help them open up. People are just sexual (because God made us that way). They just are. So, even if your innocent little 10 year old is still watching Sesame Street and making marigold crowns, subconsciously he or she is thinking about sex or daydreaming about romance or lip locking or something.
One more soapbox for me before I hand over the laptop, protect your kids. Be the cool parents that all the kids want to come to your house, and let them come to your house and protect them! Watch them. Be within ear's distance. Know your kids. When Brook and I say to protect your kids that doesn't just mean keep them close to you at the grocery store. 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way; 68% are abused by family members. Your brother in law that is so great with kids and offers to babysit may be a great guy but those few facts alone raise red flags for me. The uncle that comes around at holidays and seems to spend more times with the kids than the adults...that's a problem. The older step-sibling that seems to get along with and play so well with your child...don't trust it. That's what Brook means by be in close proximity to your child, never assume the best or "they wouldn't do that", never completely trust your child's future to others. You are the parent, so get busy parenting.
Yes, presexualization is rampant, but even more so, one in three girls today are being molested. That can really warp a girl's self-image! I know from experience. Be around for your kids, and protect their innocence as much as you can, but when they reach that age (what most experts say is 8-10) you had better be talking and have your reactions well-documented by your kiddo.
Recently Brook and I heard a statistic that has improved over the last year since we first heard it. The average age at which an American kid is exposed to pornography is 11. As crazy as that sounds, the figure last year was 8 years old. That says two things to me. 1. Our kids need to be protected and in so many ways you can't be too safe when it comes to the people they are allowed to be around and the access they have to the internet. 2. Well prior to age 11, a discussion better be initiated in the life of your child. The discussion shouldn't be a single talk or something you talk about even yearly or quarterly. In the same way we discuss school work, discipline, integrity, sports, camping and chores, why not discuss sexuality?
So what to discuss? I don't think that you have to make a production out of each discussion about sex any more than you have to break out the special books and diagrams to discuss any other topic that is usually and often discussed. The conversation needs to be age appropriate. For example, I wouldn't discuss the biochemistry involved in an orgasm and ejaculation with my 5 year old. We have been having the conversation with him about boys and girls having different anatomy and the need to respect the ideals of modesty and privacy. He also knows that certain parts of the body of others (male and female) are not to be touched by him as they are special areas. The inverse of that is true regarding someone touching his body. I use our 5 year old just as an example of what we are doing. You may disagree or think we are going too far or maybe not far enough.
To contrast the differences in what is age appropriate, last summer I took our 8 year old on a "survival trip". We had to catch, kill or trap our own food and sleep out in the open...roughing it! I used that trip to step up the conversation a bit and initiated the ideas of husbands and wives participating in an activity that involves their bodies, minds and hearts to express their love for one another, their obedience & worship of God and that this activity even is what leads to pregnancy. He seemed pretty uninterested in the whole conversation at the time. I'm not discouraged or encouraged by his interest level. It is what it is. I do know this though, when he hears someone explain sexuality in terms other than what he has already heard and understands to be true he will at least be skeptical. That's exactly what I want.
Kids pick up information even when we don't tell them something too. I think the ways in which we discuss sex (or the fact that we don't) speaks volumes. If sexuality is always spoken about in whispers the child will have to deduct from that that sex is shameful and isn't something to be openly discussed. If a reaction to a normal behavior is outrageous the child can easily understand their normal and usual behavior as evil and will then think that they are evil. It is difficult for kids to understand that behavior can be bad without making the person bad. If sex isn't openly and responsibly discussed between their mom and dad (or step parents as the case may be) the message can be intuited as an objectification of women or men. If sex is something complained about by the mother of father...well, you get the idea. My point in that is how important it is to incorporate healthy and Godly sexuality into your life, into your discussions and even as openly between you and your spouse as is reasonable and responsible. Will it push your comfort level? Probably. Is it OK to be uncomfortable if you are benefiting your kids in ways that will pay dividends for years to come? Absolutely.
Last but not least, never be afraid to tell your kids that you have been wrong or you have made a mistake. I have often told my Dad that one of the best things he ever taught me is to keep fighting and never give up after a mistake. In this discussion I would say that approaching your kids with information and initiating a discussion when they are a bit older is great. It's better to start late than to never start. If you are a little late to the conversation with your kids don't try to make up by covering up. You will make more of a lasting impression on your kids and be given much more credibility if you let them know that you are late, that you now know a better way to parent and that they should expect a change moving forward. Doing those things will set you up for a great relationship with your child and it will open your child's eyes to your new reality regarding sex.
This will hopefully lead to a lot more conversations about sex stuff and kids. And I hope to hear from you soon. Just one more shameless plugs before I go.
As I said earlier, some of my favorite parental gurus are the one and only Dub and Wendi Hall from right here in B'ham. They are great about openness with their kids. We were blessed to be in their lives during the time of their kids (Brant and Laurel's) teen years. I was always inspired by the confidence those two teens had. They were probably never surprised by locker room or sleep-over talk. They were hearing all that at home from experts who were living out the blessing of a sanctified marriage. Whether Dad was pinching Mom's hiney going down the hall to the bedroom or they were whispering in each other's ear's over coffee in the morning, Laurel and Brant never lacked for a reason to roll their eyes or say 'gag a maggot' to the people they will forever get their own sexual identity from: their parents.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Presexualization part 2: Adult Education
Kids, sex, information, too soon, too much, too late, what to say, how to say it? From discussions we have had with other parents it is safe to say that few topics invoke amazing fear in the hearts of parents like discussing sex with their kids. I personally think that fear comes from a lack of knowledge. Let's see if we can remedy some of that.
OK everybody, get your thesaurus, dictionary and maybe even a calculator out and be ready to use them. Blake has the stage again. Usually babbling on about history and whatever gives me a headache and I tune it out, but Blake has really researched this stuff and it actually does make sense...give it a read and see what you think.
I will be speaking strictly from my experience and rather extensive research, but in no way do I claim to have a monopoly on sexual information, much less some magical approach on how to discuss it with kids. This would be a great post for some of you more experienced parents to share your successes and failures in this area...if you feel so inspired.
After an adolescent and adult life contemplating sexuality, primarily attempting to reconcile hormones, unhealthy behaviors/thoughts, faith and God, here's what I have been able to determine through experience, prayer, thought, science and a rather unorthodox yet in depth theological research project. First let me say that a few years back I started writing a book on "Sexual Theology" based on the above and I can't possibly cover it all but I'll attempt to hit the important points. Maybe this will serve as a catalyst to finish writing the book.
Let's look at some history: So God creates Adam and the Biblical text says, God created man in His image...the Imago Dei. God designed Adam for community and relationship which is also part of the Imago Dei. Unfortunately, Adam had no one with which to share relationship so God divides Adam. God's image is divided into Adam and Eve. I'll go a step further and say that God is completely masculine (i.e. Father, Son) and is also completely feminine (i.e. the Holy Spirit being a "great comforter" and other traits/roles more traditionally associated with the feminine).
So Adam, one half of the Imago Dei, and Eve, one half of the Imago Dei, are in the presence of each other for the first time ever...EVER in the history of the WORLD...and God is about to make the first introduction between two people that represent His image. He cordially says, "Adam, I'd like to introduce you to Eve"...or maybe He doesn't.
God says something relatively simple but amazingly profound. God says to do something that will confound the world for some and will make the world bright & beautiful for others. Simplistic complexity exists when God says...and this is MY paraphrase...
"Adam and Eve, get together, have sex and become "one" again. It hasn't been long since you were "one" so this will feel like home for you all. In fact, in the moments in which you are truly united physically and spiritually, you will know that I have designed the thoughts, feelings, hormones, chemicals, sights, sounds, tastes and touches found only in that place between a husband and a wife.
This will not be simply a physical act to be done to varying degrees and with ebbing interest by horny teens, intrigued newlyweds, addicted adults and senile old retirees. This will be a spiritual, physical and emotional venture that will accurately reflect my Imago Dei and through it you will be blessed in ways that will have you screaming my name".
So what the heck!?!? God's first command to a couple was to have sex? Yes. In my mind that makes it incredibly important for couples and it is proof that God is concerned about sex. Moreover, God calls sex "very good". For many that idea may seem foreign at best and at worst, sacrilege. I think it is simply the story of creation as revealed in the Bible. So what is sex for and what is it about? I think it is primarily an act of worship, obedience and celebration. It was created by God for God. How strange to the average church attender to think that God enjoys His followers having sex. Is God a gigantic cosmic voyeur? Is the Holy Spirit a peeping-tom? Well, not exactly.
I would say that God enjoys human sexuality in the same way a screen writer enjoys seeing actors and directors carrying out accurately his intent. Accurately reflecting the passions, the nuances and the details the writer imagined some time before the stage was ever set. So too has God set before his people a blessing among blessings. God knows that through Godly intimacy, which very much includes sex, His Imago Dei is revealed and His children are blessed for living out the very unity and intimacy God commanded.
So that is the overly simplified Biblical account of human sexuality. What has happened in christendom since is nothing short of a tragedy and even blasphemy. For God's people to allow the world to largely define a creation of God, and to do so in ways that do not reflect God's heart of the matter, is blasphemous. Rather than loudly proclaiming the truth about human sexuality, christians have remained silent...largely lending credibility to the molestation and altering of God's "very good" creation (God's words, not mine-though I agree). Unfortunately, christians have been wussies in the area of sex and through our passivity (listed in the book of Revelation as one of the sins of which people in hell will be guilty) our culture has demeaned sex, cheapened sex, removed intimacy from sexuality and objectified humans. Few things angered God/Jesus in scripture like the objectification of humans.
I would be remiss if I failed to point out that the negative issues above are not new with the invention of pornographic magazines, porn flicks or even MTV. These issues began prior to the birth of Christ with Plato. We won't go into much detail here but Platonic Form Theory (look it up if need be) challenged the idea of a singular life. That is to say that mankind was an interrelated combination of body, mind and spirit. Plato suggested essentially that dual worlds exist (again, for the sake of brevity I am being incredibly simplistic). Plato placed a higher priority and importance on the spiritual life and left the physical life in some inferior place. So how could Plato and his theories impact christians some 2300 years later.
Unfortunately, christians accepted the platonic teachings generation after generation. Men typically known as heroes of faith or early church fathers fell victim to platonic theory. Constantine, Augustine and Eusibeus from the first few centuries after the death and resurrection of Jesus all accepted this teaching. We could walk century by century until we land in our life times without ever seeing a wholesale denial of this teaching. This is important because the idea that spiritual matters are divorced from physical matters is antithetical to Biblical teaching and it also degredates the accurate placement of human sexuality in the reality established by God. For example, no wonder sexual comments, teachings and discussions are largely absent and considered inappropriate in christian churches when one of the most well-known fathers of the faith, St. Augustine, said, "how lustful is man from his birth even as he suckles at his mother's breast that it is only fitting for such a beast that he is born between urine and feces". What a nice thought, right?
So here we are at some sexual crossroads. God creates it, places amazing blessings in the confines of it and calls it very good. The world, aided from years by a silent and misguided church, has defiled the creation and now assigns sexuality somewhere between temptation to "be real and free", a banal conquest and a great marketing idea. So where will we fall on this sexual paradigm? What will our kids hear from us? How will we lead them to healthy sexuality in a world awashed with dysfunctional sexuality? Will our kids find sex and intimacy that binds, heals and blesses or a sexuality that divides, hurts and curses? Well, that decision is up to you. Brook and I have personally lost too much in the fall of sexuality from its divine intent to risk our boys walking a similar path. So let's get into the specifics of what our kids should know, when they should know it and how we can best frame the discussion so that it is an ongoing conversation rather than "the talk". It seems to me that this will require a part 3 to this discussion....stay tuned.
OK everybody, get your thesaurus, dictionary and maybe even a calculator out and be ready to use them. Blake has the stage again. Usually babbling on about history and whatever gives me a headache and I tune it out, but Blake has really researched this stuff and it actually does make sense...give it a read and see what you think.
I will be speaking strictly from my experience and rather extensive research, but in no way do I claim to have a monopoly on sexual information, much less some magical approach on how to discuss it with kids. This would be a great post for some of you more experienced parents to share your successes and failures in this area...if you feel so inspired.
After an adolescent and adult life contemplating sexuality, primarily attempting to reconcile hormones, unhealthy behaviors/thoughts, faith and God, here's what I have been able to determine through experience, prayer, thought, science and a rather unorthodox yet in depth theological research project. First let me say that a few years back I started writing a book on "Sexual Theology" based on the above and I can't possibly cover it all but I'll attempt to hit the important points. Maybe this will serve as a catalyst to finish writing the book.
Let's look at some history: So God creates Adam and the Biblical text says, God created man in His image...the Imago Dei. God designed Adam for community and relationship which is also part of the Imago Dei. Unfortunately, Adam had no one with which to share relationship so God divides Adam. God's image is divided into Adam and Eve. I'll go a step further and say that God is completely masculine (i.e. Father, Son) and is also completely feminine (i.e. the Holy Spirit being a "great comforter" and other traits/roles more traditionally associated with the feminine).
So Adam, one half of the Imago Dei, and Eve, one half of the Imago Dei, are in the presence of each other for the first time ever...EVER in the history of the WORLD...and God is about to make the first introduction between two people that represent His image. He cordially says, "Adam, I'd like to introduce you to Eve"...or maybe He doesn't.
God says something relatively simple but amazingly profound. God says to do something that will confound the world for some and will make the world bright & beautiful for others. Simplistic complexity exists when God says...and this is MY paraphrase...
"Adam and Eve, get together, have sex and become "one" again. It hasn't been long since you were "one" so this will feel like home for you all. In fact, in the moments in which you are truly united physically and spiritually, you will know that I have designed the thoughts, feelings, hormones, chemicals, sights, sounds, tastes and touches found only in that place between a husband and a wife.
This will not be simply a physical act to be done to varying degrees and with ebbing interest by horny teens, intrigued newlyweds, addicted adults and senile old retirees. This will be a spiritual, physical and emotional venture that will accurately reflect my Imago Dei and through it you will be blessed in ways that will have you screaming my name".
So what the heck!?!? God's first command to a couple was to have sex? Yes. In my mind that makes it incredibly important for couples and it is proof that God is concerned about sex. Moreover, God calls sex "very good". For many that idea may seem foreign at best and at worst, sacrilege. I think it is simply the story of creation as revealed in the Bible. So what is sex for and what is it about? I think it is primarily an act of worship, obedience and celebration. It was created by God for God. How strange to the average church attender to think that God enjoys His followers having sex. Is God a gigantic cosmic voyeur? Is the Holy Spirit a peeping-tom? Well, not exactly.
I would say that God enjoys human sexuality in the same way a screen writer enjoys seeing actors and directors carrying out accurately his intent. Accurately reflecting the passions, the nuances and the details the writer imagined some time before the stage was ever set. So too has God set before his people a blessing among blessings. God knows that through Godly intimacy, which very much includes sex, His Imago Dei is revealed and His children are blessed for living out the very unity and intimacy God commanded.
So that is the overly simplified Biblical account of human sexuality. What has happened in christendom since is nothing short of a tragedy and even blasphemy. For God's people to allow the world to largely define a creation of God, and to do so in ways that do not reflect God's heart of the matter, is blasphemous. Rather than loudly proclaiming the truth about human sexuality, christians have remained silent...largely lending credibility to the molestation and altering of God's "very good" creation (God's words, not mine-though I agree). Unfortunately, christians have been wussies in the area of sex and through our passivity (listed in the book of Revelation as one of the sins of which people in hell will be guilty) our culture has demeaned sex, cheapened sex, removed intimacy from sexuality and objectified humans. Few things angered God/Jesus in scripture like the objectification of humans.
I would be remiss if I failed to point out that the negative issues above are not new with the invention of pornographic magazines, porn flicks or even MTV. These issues began prior to the birth of Christ with Plato. We won't go into much detail here but Platonic Form Theory (look it up if need be) challenged the idea of a singular life. That is to say that mankind was an interrelated combination of body, mind and spirit. Plato suggested essentially that dual worlds exist (again, for the sake of brevity I am being incredibly simplistic). Plato placed a higher priority and importance on the spiritual life and left the physical life in some inferior place. So how could Plato and his theories impact christians some 2300 years later.
Unfortunately, christians accepted the platonic teachings generation after generation. Men typically known as heroes of faith or early church fathers fell victim to platonic theory. Constantine, Augustine and Eusibeus from the first few centuries after the death and resurrection of Jesus all accepted this teaching. We could walk century by century until we land in our life times without ever seeing a wholesale denial of this teaching. This is important because the idea that spiritual matters are divorced from physical matters is antithetical to Biblical teaching and it also degredates the accurate placement of human sexuality in the reality established by God. For example, no wonder sexual comments, teachings and discussions are largely absent and considered inappropriate in christian churches when one of the most well-known fathers of the faith, St. Augustine, said, "how lustful is man from his birth even as he suckles at his mother's breast that it is only fitting for such a beast that he is born between urine and feces". What a nice thought, right?
So here we are at some sexual crossroads. God creates it, places amazing blessings in the confines of it and calls it very good. The world, aided from years by a silent and misguided church, has defiled the creation and now assigns sexuality somewhere between temptation to "be real and free", a banal conquest and a great marketing idea. So where will we fall on this sexual paradigm? What will our kids hear from us? How will we lead them to healthy sexuality in a world awashed with dysfunctional sexuality? Will our kids find sex and intimacy that binds, heals and blesses or a sexuality that divides, hurts and curses? Well, that decision is up to you. Brook and I have personally lost too much in the fall of sexuality from its divine intent to risk our boys walking a similar path. So let's get into the specifics of what our kids should know, when they should know it and how we can best frame the discussion so that it is an ongoing conversation rather than "the talk". It seems to me that this will require a part 3 to this discussion....stay tuned.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Presexualization of Children; How to Protect Through Education (Part 1)
It has recently come to our attention that a child we know is showing an unusual interest in sexuality. This child is discussing sex in ways that a child their age should not understand and claims to have "seen movies about sex". While some may want to pass this behavior off as simple "child's play" or innocent, this behavior is incredibly troubling and is an incredibly strong indicator that this child has been "presexualized."
We thought it a timely blog topic to discuss as we have been aware of such potential threats to our boys and want to raise awareness with any reader in an attempt to know what presexualization is, how to prevent it, what to do if it has indeed occurred in your life or already in the life of your child. Then, in part 2, we hope this to flow into a discussion about the specifics involved in discussing healthy sexuality with our children. That seems to be one of the more intimidating tasks any parent faces and I would suggest that this is the case because far too few parents have a good grip on healthy sexuality. It's always difficult to explain and discuss issues with others that one doesn't understand. Let's see if we can develop some healthy opinions and move to better places in this area.
We thought it a timely blog topic to discuss as we have been aware of such potential threats to our boys and want to raise awareness with any reader in an attempt to know what presexualization is, how to prevent it, what to do if it has indeed occurred in your life or already in the life of your child. Then, in part 2, we hope this to flow into a discussion about the specifics involved in discussing healthy sexuality with our children. That seems to be one of the more intimidating tasks any parent faces and I would suggest that this is the case because far too few parents have a good grip on healthy sexuality. It's always difficult to explain and discuss issues with others that one doesn't understand. Let's see if we can develop some healthy opinions and move to better places in this area.
Presexualization refers to a person who has been presexualized in childhood. This can take the form of actual sexual abuse, but is often the more subtle form of the child being exposed to sex, sexual stimulation, pornography, etc.
Presexualization could be more simply stated as the introduction of sex or things of a sexual nature to a child that is not yet at a maturity level to appropriately label, understand and categorize the event and/or information. It is a form of sexual abuse that seems on the surface less damaging than physical acts of child molestation. Some consider presexualization as "passive sexual abuse" or "passive sexual trauma." That is to say that the child has not been physically assaulted in a sexual way but the effects (short and long term) can be identical to those who have experienced the physical molestation.
As you think about presexualization and how it could have occurred in your life or in the life of your child remember that it does not always involve someone that intentionally exposes someone to sex. It could be, as was the case in my early childhood, finding pornography that had been discarded with trash in the woods. It could be, as also occurred in my life and in the lives of many people, stumbling upon porn videos late night on a movie channel. No one sought me out and nobody intentionally introduced sexuality into my life but it occurred just the same and such an unhealthy introduction to such an unhealthy and ungodly form or sexuality was damaging.
If you were presexualized or even think you might have been I think it is vital for you to seek the advice and help of a professional. The professional may tell you that what you experienced was normal and you shouldn't worry about it. However, if a particular event or person comes to mind it is very much worth investigating your history. I personally think Steve and Pam Moore at The Moore Institute are great people to contact for this. They are personal friends of mine and we have worked together with more people than I could begin to count. You can learn more about them and even contact them HERE.
If you have experienced presexualization and continue to see the effects of it in your sexuality, compulsive behaviors, addiction to sex and/or porn, relationships, etc. I think you would be well served to seek the help of a professional as mentioned above but also contact Route1520. Traylor Lovvorn and Tal Prince minister to the sexually broken and approach the issues, regardless of how seemingly disastrous or benign, from a place of personal experience. You won't find judgement or ridicule from these men or others in their groups. Information on Route1520 can be found HERE.
So how do you protect your children from being introduced to sexuality in unhealthy ways and/or prematurely? There are so many ways in which presexualization can occur that the defensive measures have to be vast and varied. Computers, smart phones, print, neighbors, family members, teachers, clergy and even classmates can all have detrimental effects on our children through presexualization. Some great resources are available for defensive measures specific to electronic devices. The most recommended service to me personally has been Covenant Eyes. You can find their information here.
When it comes to people in your life that may seem harmless but are in fact dangerous I think the videos found at this website say more than I could. For the record, this will be the only time I will ever suggest anyone watch Oprah. This video was touching and eye-opening and it came straight from the mouths of the men from who we all want to protect our kids.
OK, that's probably enough information to process for one night. The next post will deal with the next step in protection...educating our children. That means educating ourselves first.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Dominant or Accommodator
A dominant theme in complimentary sort of relationships is that one person tends to be the dominant one, and the other tends to be the accommodator. Guess how that works out with B and B?
I think it's really interesting how complimentary people are attracted to one another. I think it is really God's plan that can still be awesome, but has also been corrupted. I have heard before that if you put one alcoholic in the room with a thousand attractive people, only one of which is codependent, the alcoholic will find the codependent every time. Because of the degree of our oppositeness, and some other really weird coincidences, our relationship has been just that bizarre.
**Because they are just so cool to me, I think I will take a second to list a few of those "really weird coincidences": Although Blake and I had never met or heard of each other until the night we met, it turns out that 1.) Our names both start with B and have 5 letters.
2.) We both go by our middle names
3.) We were both named after our father who happen to have the same name: Randy. My first name is Miranda after my dad, Randy. And Blake's name is Randy after his dad, Randy.
4.) Both of our parents are divorced, and we've experienced step-parents and step-siblings. We also both have half-siblings, however, we are the only children that both our mom and dad had together. Which in so many ways causes us to want to stay married. It's just not ideal to introduce other relationships into the world of a child, even in some really good situations like some of our "steps" or some of the worst situations like some of our other "steps". Oh, my dear Blakely, how you do have your ideals.
5.) Our moms both have the same middle name: Lynn and Lynne.
6.) We both came from families whose primary field of work and study was medical.
7.) Although, I never lived there, and Blake mostly grew up in Vestavia, we are both originally from the same county in north Alabama: Lawrence County. We both have deep roots in Moulton, Alabama. My family (currently or in generations past) never lived in Moulton as that was too close into "town", but Moulton is the county seat so it's the place more people know.
8.) Blake's last name is Thompson, and my grandmother, I call her Nana, who I was always super-close to's last name was also Thompson. I always idealized my Nana's marriage to my Papa. They have been married now 67 years, and I am honored to wear her maiden name. And who says cousins don't get married in Alabama??? Can anyone else hear the banjos playing and the pigs squealing? That is a pig, right? Didn't we figure out we are only like 16th cousins or something crazy distant like that? Related by our 16th great grandmother Rebecca Love Terry (no, seriously).
Back to the original subject... In case you haven't guessed, I was/am the accommodator. I was raised by a mom who was an accommodator, and also brought up to sort of believe that's what the woman does (Biblically speaking). Now that I am older and have been through a lot of marriage classes (and therapy), I realize that this Dominator/Accommodator dynamic is really common, but I don't believe it's supposed to be or even usually is the woman's place. There's as many hen-pecked husbands who let their wives make the decisions and wear the pants as their are fibromyalgia-ridden, lip-biting wives. Can of worms: officially opened.
Dear Hen-Pecked Men,
Grow a pair, stop squatting when you pee and be a real man. Not a jerk, abusive or controlling, but stand up and stop letting your wife usurp your share of the authority and responsibility in the house. It isn't fair to you or her and that kind of horrible example is setting your kids up for a nightmare of a future in relationships. If you can't step up I recommend you start wearing a skirt, referring to your time as a man in the past tense and figure out how to consume enough prolactin so that your man-teats begin to lactate so you can fully embrace your femininity. That is all...for now anyway. Okay, then, welcome to the comedy club.
"Spiritual leader" is a term I heard a lot growing up. It was something I was told I was supposed to be looking for in a husband. Someone to be my "spiritual leader." So, naturally, when I showed up at this fluke Bible study at a UAB (Satan school to my southern baptist english ivy covered Samford university) campus house, invited by a random acquaintance, at a time when I had been praying for any sort of sign that there actually was a God, of course I was going to be attracted to the hot, muscle-y college senior (with the bad haircut) singing and praying and leading the thing. And, then there was the fact that he approached me. Dude. I had never been approached by a guy in my life. All my past relationships, I had been the instigator (you know, you tell your friend so in so to tell his friend so in so that you might be interested in so in so...the small town way, right?). That is so gay (and I mean "gay" in the most PC sort of way I can muster without violently vomiting)...Dear Wussy Guys...see my above statement. Never been approached??? Good Lord!!!
Then there was the fact that I was...hello!...19 years old. I had lived through and lost relationships of various kinds, been varying degrees of rich and poor, but I just had not had time to develop that many opinions yet (of course, the fantasy land I liked to live in didn't help me meet reality too much either). Unlike Blake, who had, let's see...been homeless, lost a brother, lived with a brother suffering with a terminal disease, lived with a mom going through medical school since he was in the 3rd grade, turned over his life to the United States Army That's a good way of saying it or as GSGT Hartman said, "You can give your heart to Jesus but your ass belongs to me", walked side by side with a best friend who ended up in prison serving consecutive life sentences, took his ACT test (among other exams) completely drunk I'm not sure how my sobriety (or lack of it) is an accomplishment but I'll go with it, been radically saved by Jesus at age 21, had the privilege of a mentor relationship, and set off to devote his life to unknown tribes in Africa...just to name a few. I was frickin' star struck by his resume.How could I, at 19, have the experience to compete with his "spiritual leadership."
Oddly and honestly, I was equally as star struck by Brook and not really sure why she would think I had done anything very special in my life. Brook was unlike anyone I had ever met and I knew that it ultimately mattered little that she hadn't done some of what I had done. She had an inner strength and goodness that a million cool experiences couldn't create and I knew that we complimented one another and just really fit one another in some unusual and amazing ways. I say that not to butter her up or to be nauseatingly sentimental. I say that because a perfect storm was brewing by Brook over valuing me and under valuing herself and by me under valuing myself. This storm lead to a huge disconnect from reality between Brook and me.
We went into the relationship both feeling very fortunate to have the other one...which was and is true. The problem is that we felt fortunate because of our own lack of self-worth instead of more appropriately valuing ourselves and one another.
So, as you can imagine, I set off as a newlywed accommodating Blake's every whim. But, as you can also imagine, Blake is not, in fact, the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ himself. And, one such little girl from La-la land can only accommodate so much for so long until she starts to have an opinion or two of her own.
This may be a good time to point out that the dominant person in the relationship is no more or less dysfunctional than the one accommodating. The dynamic is unhealthy and requires both people to spin around in the muck and mire of relational junk. It is also important to note that neither the dominant nor the accommodating person realize what is happening until the relationship reaches a boiling point in some area. When the accommodator explodes the dominant one will think he/she has literally lost it because at no time have they intentionally dominated. In the same way, the accommodator will think the dominant person is crazy, blind or just manipulating because it has to be obvious what has been happening...though oddly, it wasn't really obvious to the accommodator until the pressure became too great.
And the pressure surely became great. Fortunately, I can say that we were stubborn enough to stick together through some major flip-outs, a month here and there of wondering if I would ever stop hating his guts, and a ton of that feeling like "I have given all I can give, when is it my turn to get?". Truly, there comes a time, tho, when an accommodator has to have the guts to stop giving themselves away. Like Blake said, that's every bit as dysfunctional as the person who dominates and thinks they make the rules.
Here's some advice we got before we were married and it makes so much sense, I think I even passed it on to other newlyweds: *The goal is to give. Husband, put your wife first, meet her needs above your own. And, wife, do the same. If you are both focused on meeting each other's needs then both of your needs will be met.* Makes sense, right? In a perfect world, it really does, maybe somewhere out there once upon a time, it did, but in the world of reality, it simply doesn't work.
What did work was finding those places, those areas of expertise, where we deferred to and relied on the other. Sometimes you dig holes and burry each other's dreams, and other times, you say, "No, dammit. This dream is coming true, and you are going to help me make it that way." No one wins with one person's playing small.
It turns out that Blake and I have learned over the years to accommodate each other. For example, just this morning I found out that Blake has been accommodating me on my brand of toothpaste for years. I like smell good, taste good and smooth kind of toothpastes like the sexy Close Up. Blake apparently likes some form of liquid sand or gritty acid to clean his teeth. I'm fine with straight baking soda...whatever works. The older you get the less "stuff" matters, and the more it matters whose foot you are sliding yours over to meet in the night.
Much like communication, sex, faith, rearing kids and so many other facets of a relationship, this dynamic is best addressed by a dance of intimacy. The accommodator has to step out of their comfortable place in the shadows of the relationship and become assertive. The dominant one also has to step into a place of discomfort by backing up and allowing time, space and understanding as their partner finds their way in being more assertive and speaking their mind.
This new dance will yield some really wonderful fruit as intimacy always leads to depth of relationship. The dance can also cause some friction as the two learn new steps and maybe even have their traditional ways of doing things challenged. I know for us I have really enjoyed getting to know the part of Brook that for years hid behind accommodation and I have learned a lot about myself by exhibiting patience and understanding as Brook has really come into her own.
I think it's really interesting how complimentary people are attracted to one another. I think it is really God's plan that can still be awesome, but has also been corrupted. I have heard before that if you put one alcoholic in the room with a thousand attractive people, only one of which is codependent, the alcoholic will find the codependent every time. Because of the degree of our oppositeness, and some other really weird coincidences, our relationship has been just that bizarre.
**Because they are just so cool to me, I think I will take a second to list a few of those "really weird coincidences": Although Blake and I had never met or heard of each other until the night we met, it turns out that 1.) Our names both start with B and have 5 letters.
2.) We both go by our middle names
3.) We were both named after our father who happen to have the same name: Randy. My first name is Miranda after my dad, Randy. And Blake's name is Randy after his dad, Randy.
4.) Both of our parents are divorced, and we've experienced step-parents and step-siblings. We also both have half-siblings, however, we are the only children that both our mom and dad had together. Which in so many ways causes us to want to stay married. It's just not ideal to introduce other relationships into the world of a child, even in some really good situations like some of our "steps" or some of the worst situations like some of our other "steps". Oh, my dear Blakely, how you do have your ideals.
5.) Our moms both have the same middle name: Lynn and Lynne.
6.) We both came from families whose primary field of work and study was medical.
7.) Although, I never lived there, and Blake mostly grew up in Vestavia, we are both originally from the same county in north Alabama: Lawrence County. We both have deep roots in Moulton, Alabama. My family (currently or in generations past) never lived in Moulton as that was too close into "town", but Moulton is the county seat so it's the place more people know.
8.) Blake's last name is Thompson, and my grandmother, I call her Nana, who I was always super-close to's last name was also Thompson. I always idealized my Nana's marriage to my Papa. They have been married now 67 years, and I am honored to wear her maiden name. And who says cousins don't get married in Alabama??? Can anyone else hear the banjos playing and the pigs squealing? That is a pig, right? Didn't we figure out we are only like 16th cousins or something crazy distant like that? Related by our 16th great grandmother Rebecca Love Terry (no, seriously).
Back to the original subject... In case you haven't guessed, I was/am the accommodator. I was raised by a mom who was an accommodator, and also brought up to sort of believe that's what the woman does (Biblically speaking). Now that I am older and have been through a lot of marriage classes (and therapy), I realize that this Dominator/Accommodator dynamic is really common, but I don't believe it's supposed to be or even usually is the woman's place. There's as many hen-pecked husbands who let their wives make the decisions and wear the pants as their are fibromyalgia-ridden, lip-biting wives. Can of worms: officially opened.
Dear Hen-Pecked Men,
Grow a pair, stop squatting when you pee and be a real man. Not a jerk, abusive or controlling, but stand up and stop letting your wife usurp your share of the authority and responsibility in the house. It isn't fair to you or her and that kind of horrible example is setting your kids up for a nightmare of a future in relationships. If you can't step up I recommend you start wearing a skirt, referring to your time as a man in the past tense and figure out how to consume enough prolactin so that your man-teats begin to lactate so you can fully embrace your femininity. That is all...for now anyway. Okay, then, welcome to the comedy club.
"Spiritual leader" is a term I heard a lot growing up. It was something I was told I was supposed to be looking for in a husband. Someone to be my "spiritual leader." So, naturally, when I showed up at this fluke Bible study at a UAB (Satan school to my southern baptist english ivy covered Samford university) campus house, invited by a random acquaintance, at a time when I had been praying for any sort of sign that there actually was a God, of course I was going to be attracted to the hot, muscle-y college senior (with the bad haircut) singing and praying and leading the thing. And, then there was the fact that he approached me. Dude. I had never been approached by a guy in my life. All my past relationships, I had been the instigator (you know, you tell your friend so in so to tell his friend so in so that you might be interested in so in so...the small town way, right?). That is so gay (and I mean "gay" in the most PC sort of way I can muster without violently vomiting)...Dear Wussy Guys...see my above statement. Never been approached??? Good Lord!!!
Then there was the fact that I was...hello!...19 years old. I had lived through and lost relationships of various kinds, been varying degrees of rich and poor, but I just had not had time to develop that many opinions yet (of course, the fantasy land I liked to live in didn't help me meet reality too much either). Unlike Blake, who had, let's see...been homeless, lost a brother, lived with a brother suffering with a terminal disease, lived with a mom going through medical school since he was in the 3rd grade, turned over his life to the United States Army That's a good way of saying it or as GSGT Hartman said, "You can give your heart to Jesus but your ass belongs to me", walked side by side with a best friend who ended up in prison serving consecutive life sentences, took his ACT test (among other exams) completely drunk I'm not sure how my sobriety (or lack of it) is an accomplishment but I'll go with it, been radically saved by Jesus at age 21, had the privilege of a mentor relationship, and set off to devote his life to unknown tribes in Africa...just to name a few. I was frickin' star struck by his resume.How could I, at 19, have the experience to compete with his "spiritual leadership."
Oddly and honestly, I was equally as star struck by Brook and not really sure why she would think I had done anything very special in my life. Brook was unlike anyone I had ever met and I knew that it ultimately mattered little that she hadn't done some of what I had done. She had an inner strength and goodness that a million cool experiences couldn't create and I knew that we complimented one another and just really fit one another in some unusual and amazing ways. I say that not to butter her up or to be nauseatingly sentimental. I say that because a perfect storm was brewing by Brook over valuing me and under valuing herself and by me under valuing myself. This storm lead to a huge disconnect from reality between Brook and me.
We went into the relationship both feeling very fortunate to have the other one...which was and is true. The problem is that we felt fortunate because of our own lack of self-worth instead of more appropriately valuing ourselves and one another.
So, as you can imagine, I set off as a newlywed accommodating Blake's every whim. But, as you can also imagine, Blake is not, in fact, the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ himself. And, one such little girl from La-la land can only accommodate so much for so long until she starts to have an opinion or two of her own.
This may be a good time to point out that the dominant person in the relationship is no more or less dysfunctional than the one accommodating. The dynamic is unhealthy and requires both people to spin around in the muck and mire of relational junk. It is also important to note that neither the dominant nor the accommodating person realize what is happening until the relationship reaches a boiling point in some area. When the accommodator explodes the dominant one will think he/she has literally lost it because at no time have they intentionally dominated. In the same way, the accommodator will think the dominant person is crazy, blind or just manipulating because it has to be obvious what has been happening...though oddly, it wasn't really obvious to the accommodator until the pressure became too great.
And the pressure surely became great. Fortunately, I can say that we were stubborn enough to stick together through some major flip-outs, a month here and there of wondering if I would ever stop hating his guts, and a ton of that feeling like "I have given all I can give, when is it my turn to get?". Truly, there comes a time, tho, when an accommodator has to have the guts to stop giving themselves away. Like Blake said, that's every bit as dysfunctional as the person who dominates and thinks they make the rules.
Here's some advice we got before we were married and it makes so much sense, I think I even passed it on to other newlyweds: *The goal is to give. Husband, put your wife first, meet her needs above your own. And, wife, do the same. If you are both focused on meeting each other's needs then both of your needs will be met.* Makes sense, right? In a perfect world, it really does, maybe somewhere out there once upon a time, it did, but in the world of reality, it simply doesn't work.
What did work was finding those places, those areas of expertise, where we deferred to and relied on the other. Sometimes you dig holes and burry each other's dreams, and other times, you say, "No, dammit. This dream is coming true, and you are going to help me make it that way." No one wins with one person's playing small.
It turns out that Blake and I have learned over the years to accommodate each other. For example, just this morning I found out that Blake has been accommodating me on my brand of toothpaste for years. I like smell good, taste good and smooth kind of toothpastes like the sexy Close Up. Blake apparently likes some form of liquid sand or gritty acid to clean his teeth. I'm fine with straight baking soda...whatever works. The older you get the less "stuff" matters, and the more it matters whose foot you are sliding yours over to meet in the night.
Much like communication, sex, faith, rearing kids and so many other facets of a relationship, this dynamic is best addressed by a dance of intimacy. The accommodator has to step out of their comfortable place in the shadows of the relationship and become assertive. The dominant one also has to step into a place of discomfort by backing up and allowing time, space and understanding as their partner finds their way in being more assertive and speaking their mind.
This new dance will yield some really wonderful fruit as intimacy always leads to depth of relationship. The dance can also cause some friction as the two learn new steps and maybe even have their traditional ways of doing things challenged. I know for us I have really enjoyed getting to know the part of Brook that for years hid behind accommodation and I have learned a lot about myself by exhibiting patience and understanding as Brook has really come into her own.
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